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I love Spring. There is nothing so optimistic as a Spring morning.
Everything smells good and is colorful and fresh. There is a whole new day
here and anything is possible. I love digging in the earth, planting and the
inevitable surprise that something actually grew. Let's all enjoy it, it's a
short season.
This is for the girls. Along with this new season comes the
realization that some us are, well, fat. If we aren't fat, we think we are,
or we feel we look like we are....it doesn't matter, we are not ready to be
seen in public in shorts, tank tops or bathing suits. I'm not sure how some
of us acquired low self image but we are friggin' miserable about our
appearance most of the time. In this society it seems to be preferable to be
taken out back and shot than to require any size over an 8 and if one is as
short as I am, even this is too large. Just now my "fat" clothes are too big
and my "thin" clothes are too small. What the hell am I s'posed to wear?
This is why I have so many clothes. I never have anything to wear that fits
just right. I not only need every size, I need every DEGREE of size. I
need every manufacturer's version of sizes 12 - 16.
And you know you're in deep doo-doo when your shoes don't fit right any
more, or worse yet, your pantyhose. Oh yeah, that's the worst. Pantyhose
were built to stretch over a Volkswagon car for crissake, so when those
become too tight, you know what THAT means, dontcha. Uh huh.
I have been every shape and size imaginable since my birthday. I'm not sure
which stage I was worse off with. Was it puberty? Oh yeh, I remember puberty
and wanting to commit suicide every month when I would feel even fatter than
usual, not to mention the gut wrenching pain. Perhaps it was my pregnant
stage.....uh huh, that was wunnerful...all those post partum folds and let's
not forget stretch marks and feet swelling that didn't go down until my
daughter was in fifth grade. Waitaminit, I know, it has to be my present
stage, post menopause. Yup, I am definitely feeling worse in this stage and
I don't want to scare any of you younger gals out there so I'm not even
gonna GO there.......talk about insult to injury.
To those women out there who are reading this and have no empathy for what I
am saying because they have always been slim and trim, let me say I
intensely resent....no wait.....kiss my ass. Go eat a pizza. For those women
who do understand, let me tell you I am fed up. Thoroughly. I'm workin'
myself up here. I intend to do something; I'm not quite sure yet what that
will be. I have researched. The concensus is that special diets of any kind
are not recommended. Good, 'cuz I have tried them all. Those that worked at
all reversed themselves in a week or two and I woke up one morning to find I
had swelled up while I was sleeping. All those fat pounds that I had
left behind, hunted me down and caught up with me. My findings also include
facts about my metabolism. Turns out it's freakin' missing. Wonderful.
What this all means to me is that I'm f*****. Not only is there something
broken, but I don't have the tools to fix it. This is not my last word on
this and I am not prepared to adjust my thinking to accept myself in my
present state so don't be too surprised to see more on this subject
eventually.
This is for the guys. If there are any gentlemen out there in the
audience who have no idea why I am ranting on about my appearance, or why
this seems rampant among females in general, I can only say that one might
make a comparison with how men might feel when they discover there is less
hair to comb than last year, or worse yet, that they have less cooperation
from some body parts at critical times. This is no different than if, after
years of being MVP, you fail to be picked for the team, or having been
picked, fail to save the day.
It doesn't make me feel much better to see you (or anyone else for that
matter) drooling over some babe 20 yrs younger and 30 lbs lighter than I who
giggles or gushes at practically everything, all of which means nothing. It makes me crazy to open a
magazine, newspaper, television program or even the internet and see my
desirability ranking is slipping by the hour; that I am becoming
"esthetically challenged". It's absolutely no consolation to know that
while I have gained weight and wrinkles I have also gained intelligence,
experience and perhaps some common sense. If you don't have a clear
understanding of this, or if you can't sympathize, my advice to you is to
stay out of it. Go bowling. This is no place for beginners. If you
want to become a pro, find a way to convince your special lady that, whether
beautiful or not, she's desirable. Bingo.
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Here are
some things I don't understand....
What is it about a freshly
washed "anything" (insert "floor", "shirt"...whatever). It's a dirt magnet I
tell ya.
Men can't eat a meal alone.
Cars never ever make that funny noise at the mechanic's garage.
There is never anything left in the checking account.
People go to a lot of trouble to get housepets, then one day they drive 'em
out to the country and make 'em get out.
You have relatives with kids you haven't seen more than twice in their whole
lives and they send you graduation, engagement, wedding and new baby
announcements. Nothing else, just announcements.
Whatever change it is you need of a dollar, you don't have it. Unless you
are cleaning out your wallet/handbag. THEN you have all kinds of change.
Coupons. Why can't we just get fair pricing?
Why do sales associates have to use checkout time to offer the customer new
charge accounts, special deals, clubs, whatever while the rest of us have to
wait in line for them to fill out forms and stuff?
The dentist talks to ya while
working in your mouth. Are we really expected to answer or what? |
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Inner Peace
I'm passing this along to you, because it's definitely working for me.
I think I have found inner peace. I recently read an article that said the
best way to achieve inner peace is to FINISH things I had started.
So, today I finished two large bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a
fifth of Jack Daniels, a small box of chocolate candy, and I slapped the
living shit out of someone I have never liked. I feel better already.
Please pass this along to a friend who is in need of inner peace.
(....sent to me in an email, author unknown)
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Top 10
Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoe in different colors.
8. Why Bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your last time.
5. The difference between beige, off-white, bone, and ecru.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
1. Other women
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Female vs Male
1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call
each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and
Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,
Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20,
even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller
and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their
bill, out come the pocket calculators. LOL
3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item
that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a
bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in
the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify
most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is
the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
kick cats.
7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never
worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man
marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for
weddings and funerals. Maybe.
11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate
during the night.
12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and
hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the
house.
13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.
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In-ter-esting.......
Approximately sixty circus performers have been shot from cannons. At last
report, thirty-one of these have been killed.
A man irate about his income
tax paid Uncle Sam with a plaster of Paris check that weighed several
pounds. He wasn't all that bright, because once the government cashed the
check, it was returned to him and he had to keep it for five years for his
records.
On the new hundred dollar
bill the time on the clock tower of Independence Hall is 4:10.
Parker Brothers prints about
50 billion dollars worth of Monopoly money in one year.
It took Leo Tolstoy six
years to write "War & Peace".
Charlie Brown's father was a
barber.
In the name of art, Chris
Burden arranged to be shot by a friend while another person photographed
the event. He sold the series of pictures to an art dealer. He made $1750
on the deal, but his hospital bill was $84,000.
People generally say there
are 365 days in a year. By a year, I mean this is the time period it takes
the earth to travel around the sun: 365 days. Actually, however, it takes
the Earth 365.25 days to make this trip. In other words, for every year we
gain one-fourth of a day and every for years we gain an extra day. If
nothing was done about this, our calendar would move backwards one full
day every four years in relation to our seasons.
On average, there are 333
squares of toilet paper on a roll.
The numbers on opposite
sides of a die always add up to 7.
In 1979, Namco released
Pac-Man, the most popular arcade game of all time. Over 300,000 units were
sold worldwide. More than 100,000 units are sold in the United States
alone. Originally named Puck Man, the game was retitled after executives
saw the potential for vandals to scratch out part of the letter P on the
game's marquee, which might discourage parents from letting their children
play. Pac-Man became the first video game to be popular with both males
and females.
If you were born in Los
Alamos, New Mexico during the Manhattan project (where they made the
atomic bomb), your birth place is listed as a post office box in
Albuquerque.
The Hoover Dam was built to
last 2,000 years. The concrete in it will not even be fully cured for
another 500 years.
The "Calabash" pipe, most
often associated with Sherlock Holmes, was not used by him until William
Gillette (an American) portrayed Holmes on stage. Gillette needed a pipe
he could keep in his mouth while he spoke his lines.
The glue on Israeli postage
stamps is certified kosher.
Hippocrates, the Father of Medicine, suggested that a woman could enlarge
her bust line by singing loudly and often.
Men loose about 40 hairs a day. Women loose about 70 hairs a day.
A person remains conscious for eight seconds after being decapitated.
The first human sex change took place in 1950 when Danish doctor Christian
Hamburger operated on New Yorker George Jargensen, who became Christine
Jargensen.
Unless food is mixed with saliva you cannot taste it.
On average a hiccup lasts 5 minutes.
Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails.
A newborn baby's head accounts for one-quarter of its weight.
If all your DNA is stretched out, it would reach to the moon 6,000 times.
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And I
quote....
"I love you not only
for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not
only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of
me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out."
Elizabeth Barrett Browning
The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
Socrates
If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and
explode once a year killing everyone inside.
Robert Cringely
Common sense is not so common.
Voltaire
Nothing will work unless you
do.
Maya Angelou
The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with
water.
Art Buchwald
In two decades I've lost a
total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
Erma Bombeck
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